Love shouldn’t feel like getting hit by train

This weeks quote is from Evil Sara

When you are in love, it means that the person you love is of great personal, selfish importance to you and to your life. If you were selfless, it would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person you love, and that you are motivated only by self-sacrificial pity for that person’s need of you. I don’t have to point out to you that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept, a concept of that kind. Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute you can pay to that person.
~~Ayn Rand

Well, Ayn, yes and no. I’m sick of people being selfish and calling it love. The greatest lover in the world had a sacrificial love. I mean, clearly you get something out of it or you wouldn’t bother, but ultimately its NOT ABOUT YOU.

I love you, my son says, kind of as an afterthought. Oh sure I’m thinking, you love me as a little boy loves his mother, in a selfish immature, Santa Clause way. You love because I’m always there, will always love you and be there for you, because I meet your needs and provide for you. Childish love doesn’t do anything in return, it just basks in the love parents give. You love me, that’s why you have been in town for a week and this is the first time I’ve talked to you. (I initiated the call)

Adult Love means different things to different people, but it never ceases to amaze me how people throw out those words and then go on about their lives thinking that is enough. I love my dog for heaven’s sake.

Later we are talking and my son has a long list of things (mostly) money he
wants for Christmas. I snicker to myself. He doesn’t know about my job
situation, but even still, the things he wants for Christmas is more than my budget,
which I AM sticking to this year. In past years I have overspent the
holidays because I truly get joy from giving.

He is still a child and I have no doubt that eventaully, he will love me because he loves his mom, not what she can do for him. I know some people who never get beyond this kind of love for anyone. (the selfish how it makes them feel and what that person can do for them)

For some people love is all about how the loved makes them FEEL. And once those
feelings are gone, there isn’t any love. For other people, love is words, what you
say, but you don’t do anything to back it up. For me, love is more than just
saying the words, which is odd since I make my living with words and they
are such a part of me. But its like this, I love my dog, but I don’t take
her aside and ask how her day was. I don’t automatically assume that every
time she does something I don’t like it’s a direct reflection on her hatred
for me.

To me, love is a conscious choice we make and we don’t turn it on and off
like a water faucet. Love is followed with action, a pat on the back to an
aunt in the nursing home, fixing the neighbor’s fence, watering someone’s
plants when they are away, are all signs of love. Words are important but
not just saying I love you, showing me. For instance, last night someone
came and sat beside me, patted my arm and asked about the funeral, my family
and my job search. He couldn’t have known what a crummy day I had had and
how much just asking those simple questions meant. He didn’t give the
stupid pat meaningless answers, (YES I Know I will get another job, Yes, I
know everyone dies eventually. Sometimes people just want a hug and a simple I care
and a simple, I’m sorry)

I read an interesting book this year, called The Five Languages of Love.
People may be saying/showing you they love you, but if they don’t speak your
language, it can cause problems. It’s a really interesting book, and
suggests we find out what the love languages of our beloved are and then use
that language to show them we care.

For anyone who knows me, one of my love languages was pretty obvious, for
the other it wasn’t so surprising either. The odd thing? Neither was words.
For me, words, and then selfish action or inaction mean nothing. For me,
someone saying they love me and selfishly making my life and everything in
it somehow about them, just isn’t love. Also, I know its hard to believe,
but I frequently do things, even stupid thoughtless things that have no
hidden evil meaning to hurt another person. Sometimes its just about me.

I have more to say, but this is long enough so I’ll have to do a part 2