its not a postcard

I guess writing it down makes it more real.

Two years ago I made a decision to adopt a child. Last year I spent the first six months working toward that goal and the last three hating the stock market, the economy and some other factors that put that dream on hold. 

I recently switched jobs and it looks like that dream is gong to have to wait again. Not because of the job, necessarily, but the timing isn't right.

I'm sick about this. I'm sick of being told women can have it all. Its just crazy. We have to make choices and its hard. Sometimes life hands us choices we don't want and other times we just flat out have to choose one thing or the other.  I've been juggling things for so long that I'm pretty good at keeping the balls in the air, but I don't know how many more I can hold.

I agonize over working time vs. home time, time with my Jeremy who works nights, the cost of adoption, which is substantial, my other life plans, retirement planning, (hah) and the fact that aging parents need more of me.

A big issue is money. I'm looking 4-6 years of college in the face for one child and I want to give him the best.

So, the room is mostly ready,most of the little things taken care of, the plans are made, it just may be two more years before it becomes a reality. I hate that. I hate knowing a child is in an orphanage that can't come to a home because of factors beyond my control. Its as real as a miscarriage and it doesn't help to have people patronize about it. Sometimes if you don't understand something, its best to just shut up.

I have to make some choices right now and it looks like baby is going to have to wait. My heart is broken and I hate waiting, if I want something, I want it NOW, not six months or two years from now.

I'm not competitive,  I'm not a fighter, I don't give up easily, but if things are too hard, I'll just walk away. Which probably explains the post below.

(But don't mess with my friends or family or people who haven't done anything to you, cause this non-fighter will hurt ya. I will defend those who need defending.)

the thing is

You know those people who make everything about them? well here goes. Wha wha wha, when is it going to be my turn? When do I get to meet a boy who isn't married, gay or crazy? I may have already met him, but he lives a zillion miles away or things I'm cute and kisses the top of my head so I'm thinking I haven't.The other day my friend's son was having a meltdown, a girl he loves won't give him the time of day. "what about me? when is it my turn? I'm tired of being hurt by these girls who say they care and don't call. I assured him we all felt like that from time to time and those of us who are "nice" and feel a lot probably feel like it more because we care more.

the thing is, the thing is, My other whiny issue is two people I love and think the world of are thinking about tying the knot this may, I'm so happy for them, theyve been working this way for six years. they are brave enough to make a commitment, clean out half the closet and completely rearrange their lives. I admire them and will support them for that. This year a couple of other friends of mine (two couples) threw all caution to the wind and eloped this year. Yep, its the year of elopement.And while I admire the split second decision to give up your personal space for someone you barely know, I'm worried how it will all turn out for them. And at the same time, I wonder if those of us who move slowly, get left behind? Because we think first do we never get to act? Are we going to be alone forever? and ever, and ever? AARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

interesting, I’m off to save the world

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Winged Ninja Your Superpower is Extra-dimensional Your Weakness is Crosses Your Weapon is Your Radiation Rod Your Mode of Transportation is Roller Skates

What's your Superhero Name?

true love

I'm in love:

 http://www.caranddriver.com/autoshows/10886/2007-saturn-sky-red-line.html

well this just stinks, mostly

in other words quit whining

"He that embarks on the voyage of life will always wish to advance rather by the impulse of the wind than the strokes of the oar; and many fold in their passage; while they lie waiting for the gale.'" – Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) British Author, Lexicographer

things to do before I die

Used to have a list called things to do before I die. finished almost all and it scared me, thinkin my number was up.

So things to do for the next three months

Goals for April, May, June

world peace

finish valentine dell

finish research project

apply for summer graduation

lose 32 pounds (3 wk)

start A&S

Stain Glass class

Clean/purge room

Clean/purge spare room

Clean/purge/paint LR

New TV

Pay off Car

New dw, ref, stove

Student Loan organized

Kitchen/bathrrom floors

Carpet Cleaned

PICK A DECK/patio-get building process started

GET SHED USABLE (roof, floor)

Wedding bachlorette/ M and E

ok meme

1. FIRST NAME? Sheila
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, my parents just ran out of names.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? This morning, cause I'm a spaz.
4 DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yep. But nobody else does, it changes with my mood. (mine too, how odd)

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? smoked turkey
6. KIDS? three (that I know of) har
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I would love me.  
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? not telling
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I think so, try not to but its so easy sometimes.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE TONSILS? No, had them removed TWICE
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Depends on who I was strapped to.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Oatmeal some days and others its Grits with eggs in it. Oh, and Captin Crunch, and Cinnamon toast crunch. (cereal is the best food ever)
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? no, its too hard
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? TCBY used to have this chocolate cherry thing that was sinfuly good.. . .
16. SHOE SIZE? 5 1/2, 6ish
17. RED OR PINK? Pink, for some stuff, red for others.
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? too emotional, care too much sometimes.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Living: Isaac, Gone: Grandma and Grandad Doughty, Crystal
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? they won't see it, cause its on my blog

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? not wearing pants, black and sparkly sandles.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Vinos pizza and salad
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? www.radioparadise.com
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? the one that can't decide if its purple or pink

25. FAVORITE SMELL? campfire, clean baby, apple pie baking, sandalwood,
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Erica
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? smile, eyes, hands, pretty much in that order
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? took it from Sara blog
29. FAVORITE DRINK? water
30. FAVORITE SPORT? to do swimming, to watch, nope, can't sit still that long (ok, maybe SCA fighting)
31. EYE COLOR? Brown
32.HAT SIZE? not sure
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yep
34. FAVORITE FOOD? cheese, chocolate chip cookies, most Chinese
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATRE? Pride and Prejudice (the Kera Knightly one, thought they acted like they were TRying to be Pride and Prejudice, but costumes and scenery were pretty, will buy)
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
39. HUGS OR KISSES? both
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Apple pie or chocolate chip cookies
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? not e-mailing
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? not e-mailing
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? New Evidence That Demands a Verdict, The Brief History of the Dead, Diverse Arts, and about three more.
44. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? a street plan
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Gilmore Girls and Pepper Dennis
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? laughter, sighs
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? both
48. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Germany

49. WHAT’S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? pulling something out of thin air and making it work, beautifuly .
50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Morrilton, AR, October 9 1992 (age is just an number baby)

why I feel like whiny crap

Could be the three hours spent painting the Welcome Center Monday followed by hard workout on Tuesday morning?

 http://www.drmirkin.com/fitness/1346.html

He says "Scientist (sic) call this DOMS, delayed onset muscle soreness. It takes at least eight hours to feel this type of soreness. You finish a workout and feel great; then you get up the next morning and your exercised muscles feel sore. We used to think that next-day muscle soreness is caused by a buildup of lactic acid in muscles, but now we know that lactic acid has nothing to do it. Next-day muscle soreness is caused by damage to the muscle fibers themselves." They are rebuilding stronger and this is what you want them to do.

 So sometimes feeling like crap is actually a good thing. We won't even discuss how when you loose weight, all the emotions you stuffed come out and you have to deal with all those issues, nope we'll leave that one alone.

not really

"All glory comes from daring to begin." – Eugene Fitch Ware (1841-1911) [Ironquill] American Soldier, Lawyer, Statesman, Poet, Litterateur

I disagree. Glory comes from hanging in there, hanging on and not giving up. Its easy to begin. Its really hard sometimes to not just walk away. And sometimes you have to walk away. So Eugene doesn't really know what he's talking about.