40 questions about 2006

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

–From Desiderata by Max Ermann

This sums up the last year perfectly. Things are exactly as they should be.

Just in time for the new year, a new time-consuming, tell-all meme Only 40 questions, but it requires a bit of thought so maybe all you “I don’t have anything to bloggers will get with it so I can read private intimate details of your life.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
   • Quit a really good job that was driving me crazy to take a chance on another one.
   • Lived alone
   • Started a blog
   • Something I’m not telling
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   All but one, improve my reading list, only read two of the 12 books I planned to read. Yes I’ll make more.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Not immediate family, but some really good friends who were trying for five years to get pregnant finally did. The baby is due in the spring.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   My grandmother, and some friend’s relatives.
5. What countries did you visit?
   Stayed in the states this year.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

o         

1. • • A roommate
     • A job in the city I live in
     • That special someone special
2. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory?
   • Sometime in March
3. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Realizing I’m going to survive regardless of circumstances or not getting what I think I want. Realizing I have people who love me despite my imperfections.
4. What was your biggest failure?
   I don’t look at it as failure, failure only happens if you give up, I’m still trying.
5. Did you suffer illness or injury?
   Just some colds/allergies.
6. What was the best thing you bought?
   The purple couch.
7. Whose behavior merited celebration?
   My children continue to amaze me with their beauty, maturity and ability to love. Sara’s making the best of a long crazy summer and her ability to remain calm in the eye of the storm.
8. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
   Some people who were not what I thought they were.
9. Where did most of your money go?
   Food and shelter, clothes, gas, coffee and shoes.
10. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    • Two very good canoe trips
    • New friends and getting closer to old friends
    • Singing and dancing
    • A new job
    • Gulf Wars
    • Coffee
    • Shoes
    • The purple couch
    • Love
    • Blogging
    • Gatlinburg
    • Hiking
11. What song/album will always remind you of 2006?
    More than one:

• I Ain’t Saying She’s a Gold Digger
• o O Come, O Come, Emmanuel
• o It’s Raining Men
• o Somebody’s Knockin
• o Kiss Me Quick Before I Die
• o McArthur Park

1. Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. happier or sadder? happier

2. thinner or fatter? thinner

3. richer or poorer? richer, in oh so many ways

1.  What do you wish you’d done more of?

• Cleaning house
• Talking to Jeremy
• Reading/writing
• Working out

 

• 1. 
     What do you wish you’d done less of?

regretting/ sitting on my butt/ whining/eating chocolate/procrastinating

20.  How will you be spending New Years? With friends.

21.  Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Sara/Amber/Steve

22.  Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes

23.  How many one night stands in this last year?
None, that’s not a phrase in my vocabulary.

24.  What was your favorite TV program?
My Boys, Eureka, Men in Trees

25.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, I’m not wasting energy on that emotion.

26.  What was the best book(s) you read?
I actually liked the Penis book once I got into it. Also, Janet Evonavitch books and Jennifer Cruise books, of course Pride and Prejudice and The Master of All Desires, one of my Christmas books.

27.  What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pandora

28.  What did you want and get?
The ability to see past the situation and love the person behind it. The ability to not worry about outcomes. (peace)

29.  What did you want and not get?

o Another trip to Gatlinburg.

o Mr. I thought he was Right

o A specific job with a specific company who shall remain nameless.

30.    What were your favorite films of this year?
I didn’t see many. Nothing specific stands out.

31.    What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing special was home alone due to the day it fell on. Didn’t have cake, it kind of didn’t happen this year. Had birthday dinner on another day and the dessert I wanted for birthday was not available. (really funny, you had to be there it was the dessert the place is known for) How old was I? Not sure, it varies, but the wisdom that comes with it was valuable.

32.    What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I always hate the questions that make it seem like ONE thing could make that big a difference. The one thing would be a more intellectually satisfying job with better pay and a travel package.

33.    How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
I’ve ceased caring what you think, I’ll dress to please me.

34.    What kept you sane?
Coffee, friends and sisters who listen to me and don’t judge me when I’m having the whiny moments and the knowledge that nothing stays the same.

35.    Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Fancy in the romantic sense? Matthew McConaughey

36.    What political issue stirred you the most?
Locally people not following rules already on books.

37.    Who did you miss?
Jeremy, Isaac, Margie and some others who don’t live close

38.    Who was the best new person you met?
I met a lot of new friends this year. I’m not naming favorites cause I’m happy with them all.

39.    Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Gee, not sure if it was a new life lesson. “Focus on the positive, give love, do the right thing no matter what it costs and joy will follow.”

40.    Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Again: no one song can sum up an entire year.

“This time it’s all here
You failed so long ago
And what can you do about it?
Stop your crying
What will He ask you?
Now that it’s over with
Behind that face there’s only hope in you
Do you have to feel this way?
‘Cause you never stay the same
Do you notice how you change when you believe?
Do you search but never find?
‘Cause this happens all the time
Do you notice how you change when you believe?
Just like I said before
Behind that face of yours
You hide so far away
From everything that’s right
I’m so glad you’re honest
But your life is such a mess
I know inside of you there’s hope
You’ll find it
And this life is all we are
So prepare your lonely heart
And you know it’s all you have
So breathe in
So say you’re sorry now
This pain won’t allow
And you know it’s all you have to do now”

Or:

“It’s raining men
Hallelujah it’s raining men, Amen
I’m gonna go out
I’m gonna let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet

It’s raining men
Hallelujah it’s raining men
Every specimen
Tall blond dark and mean
Rough and tough and strong and lean”

Or:

“I’m an angel bored like hell
and you’re a devil meaning well”

Here’s to peace, equality and hope in 2007

its my pity party and I’ll cry if I want to

Sometimes I forget I’m not Superwoman, after going going going, I need some downtime. Thursday that consisted of hanging out in my pjs all day watching old movies and laying on the couch. Too lazy to go get Chinese I was. Funny, I didn’t figure it out until about 630p.m. what was the matter with me. I usually hang in there and be strong for people when there is a family crisis or any crisis for that matter, my crashing comes later. and yesterday was later. Death tends to remind me of other deaths and I’m reliving all the angst of people who died that I don’t think was their, “time”

So I had my pity party and I’m back in the land of the living. Ok, after the really long post about what love is/isn’t I have more. Here is a list of things, in no particular order that bug me about lovers/friends. And no they don’t have names assigned to them like the 20 things so all you paranoid people back way off, this is stuff that has bothered me since that first boy kissed me way back when and I realized kissing was not a bad thing. People in my life now don’t necessarily do these things, and these things have not necessarily been done to me in the past, but these are things I have observed that cause people to think love stinks.

1) If I like something, don’t say you hate it EVERY time I bring it up. I know how you feel, you hate such and such Chinese restaurant, I don’t. Does that mean I can’t eat there ever without listening to you bitch about it? I’m not asking you to go eat there.

 2) If I’m in a bad mood, that is no reflection on you. ITS MY MOOD. Do me the courtesy, allow me to have my own feelings. it is in no way a reflection on you. For heaven’s sake, I’m a woman and a woman who gets down occasionally, you don’t seem to mind when I’m all happy and smiling. I’m not always happy and smiling, deal with it and love me anyway or just keep your mouth shut. Also, you didn’t break me, don’t try to fix me or my moods. And guess what? I can have a bad day that has nothing whatsoever to do with YOU.

3) If I have a crush on some guy and I bring his name up, ok, like 25 times a day, does that mean every time you have to say, “I just don’t see it. You and I will never fight over a man.” I know how you feel from the first 4,000 times you have said this, does that mean I can’t think he’s dreamy and would make the perfect baby daddy?

 4) The same goes with actors. Can you shut up and let me watch a movie without telling me how you hate so and so. Do you know how many movies I’ve watched where I hate so and so? because you wanted to see them?

5) Yes, I know I eat food most people wouldn’t touch, does it have to be a big deal? Does it always have to be a topic of conversation with every new person we come in contact with? I don’t say anything about you not having (1. a stove, 2. vegetables, 3. only chocolate, 4. not liking food most normal people eat, 5. having your own food issues, 6. making fast food a lifestyle daily choice)

 6) I should be able to like/dislike certain TV shows/movies without your approval/disapproval.

7) I am an adult and perfectly capable of dressing myself. If I ask for your opinion, you may give it, but otherwise, I really don’t care if you never wear a certain style, or you don’t like such and such. I’m not you and should be able to wear what I like. That’s for friends, for more than friends, feel free to tell me this or that outfit is your favorite or you want to see more of this or that. Tell me you like it and why. I do am to please. I’m just not wearing inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and that includes dressing like a man so no one will notice me. (and yes I know men who require this of the woman they allegedly love, these are observations and rants, I’m kind of pissy right now)

8) Pick a restaurant already. Don’t say, oh anywhere is fine, if it really isn’t. You are an adult, use your backbone and pick a restaurant. At the same time, with some people, it always has to be their way, can’t it by my way sometimes? Sometimes, can I really pick the restaurant and not have to listen to you bitch for six hours about that choice, or say, “What I really want is… and its like no one else even matters?” And if you do go to my choice, can you NOT pout about it or gripe about it?

9) By the same token, if the last time we ate there one of us go sick, do you think you could maybe pick a different restaurant? oh, and could you be nice to the waiter?

 10) The world won’t end if I have my own friends, interests and hobbies. We don’t have to be joined at the hip to be in love or to be friends. If I like something new, or try something new, it doesn’t mean you have to. And I don’t want to do some things, if you want to fine, do it, just don’t try to talk me into being your shadow/sidekick/cheerleader all the time.

11) Someone wanting to be my friend isn’t a reflection on you.

 12) Someone wanting to date me isn’t a reflection on you.

 13) My hair is my hair, express your opinion and then kindly shut up. If I like it, why shouldn’t you? if it makes me happy and you love me, shouldn’t it make you happy?

14) Stop trying to control me already, unless I specifically ask and then good luck.

15) We really don’t have to dress alike.

16) Sometimes I don’t want to talk, take advantage of it.

 17) You do realize that I’m my own person? not just a reflection of you?

18) If you think everything I do or say is stupid, do you really love me? Why?

 19) I make mistakes, they aren’t a reflection on you. Sometimes I make mistakes, and kindly allow me the dignity of not being perfect all the time. If you love me, love me when I mess up, don’t make it a personal attack on you.

20) If I’m griping about life in general, don’t, just listen, don’t get mad, don’t get defensive if it isn’t your fight, don’t say, stupid things like, “it will get better, It will happen when you least expect it, quit trying so hard, and all the other stupid things people think help.” a simple I’m sorry you are crabby will help. That and maybe some Ben and Jerry’s.

 21) The size of my butt is my business, unless you like it and then you are free to say so, otherwise SHUT UP you aren’t helping. I haven’t said anything about the size of your… so do me the same courtesy.

 22) I have enough negative self talk in my head that I fight with, I don’t need your’s added to it. I thought you said you loved me. Constructive criticism is one thing, but it’s a very fine thing, if you have an issue with me, chances are I know I’m a flake in that area, be very careful and think really hard before bringing it up. I need love, not confrontation.

23) Don’t say we all the time. Say me, my, mine, I. Its ok to be an individual and have your own space.

24) Saying you love me and then telling me how I suck, isn’t really loving me.

 25) Don’t blame all my bad moods on PMS. I probably have those issues at other times, just am better able to hold on to them and not tell you. It’s demeaning to bring everything down to something so biological.

26) When you know something, like routine phone calls is important to someone, do it, we do plenty of things we really don’t like but are important to you.

Love shouldn’t feel like getting hit by train

This weeks quote is from Evil Sara

When you are in love, it means that the person you love is of great personal, selfish importance to you and to your life. If you were selfless, it would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person you love, and that you are motivated only by self-sacrificial pity for that person’s need of you. I don’t have to point out to you that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept, a concept of that kind. Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute you can pay to that person.
~~Ayn Rand

Well, Ayn, yes and no. I’m sick of people being selfish and calling it love. The greatest lover in the world had a sacrificial love. I mean, clearly you get something out of it or you wouldn’t bother, but ultimately its NOT ABOUT YOU.

I love you, my son says, kind of as an afterthought. Oh sure I’m thinking, you love me as a little boy loves his mother, in a selfish immature, Santa Clause way. You love because I’m always there, will always love you and be there for you, because I meet your needs and provide for you. Childish love doesn’t do anything in return, it just basks in the love parents give. You love me, that’s why you have been in town for a week and this is the first time I’ve talked to you. (I initiated the call)

Adult Love means different things to different people, but it never ceases to amaze me how people throw out those words and then go on about their lives thinking that is enough. I love my dog for heaven’s sake.

Later we are talking and my son has a long list of things (mostly) money he
wants for Christmas. I snicker to myself. He doesn’t know about my job
situation, but even still, the things he wants for Christmas is more than my budget,
which I AM sticking to this year. In past years I have overspent the
holidays because I truly get joy from giving.

He is still a child and I have no doubt that eventaully, he will love me because he loves his mom, not what she can do for him. I know some people who never get beyond this kind of love for anyone. (the selfish how it makes them feel and what that person can do for them)

For some people love is all about how the loved makes them FEEL. And once those
feelings are gone, there isn’t any love. For other people, love is words, what you
say, but you don’t do anything to back it up. For me, love is more than just
saying the words, which is odd since I make my living with words and they
are such a part of me. But its like this, I love my dog, but I don’t take
her aside and ask how her day was. I don’t automatically assume that every
time she does something I don’t like it’s a direct reflection on her hatred
for me.

To me, love is a conscious choice we make and we don’t turn it on and off
like a water faucet. Love is followed with action, a pat on the back to an
aunt in the nursing home, fixing the neighbor’s fence, watering someone’s
plants when they are away, are all signs of love. Words are important but
not just saying I love you, showing me. For instance, last night someone
came and sat beside me, patted my arm and asked about the funeral, my family
and my job search. He couldn’t have known what a crummy day I had had and
how much just asking those simple questions meant. He didn’t give the
stupid pat meaningless answers, (YES I Know I will get another job, Yes, I
know everyone dies eventually. Sometimes people just want a hug and a simple I care
and a simple, I’m sorry)

I read an interesting book this year, called The Five Languages of Love.
People may be saying/showing you they love you, but if they don’t speak your
language, it can cause problems. It’s a really interesting book, and
suggests we find out what the love languages of our beloved are and then use
that language to show them we care.

For anyone who knows me, one of my love languages was pretty obvious, for
the other it wasn’t so surprising either. The odd thing? Neither was words.
For me, words, and then selfish action or inaction mean nothing. For me,
someone saying they love me and selfishly making my life and everything in
it somehow about them, just isn’t love. Also, I know its hard to believe,
but I frequently do things, even stupid thoughtless things that have no
hidden evil meaning to hurt another person. Sometimes its just about me.

I have more to say, but this is long enough so I’ll have to do a part 2

Quote 5

Yes, out of order, deal.

Quote 5 is from Finna 

I thought about this quote for a while. It kept going in different directions in my head and we will see where it goes on paper.

 “A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute.  He may not seem such a good friend after telling.”

 It’s hard to be a good friend. Love gets in the way of truth and we don’t want to hurt those we love with truth. When we finally conquer our fears and  tell our friend the truth we find out that they don’t always want the truth. They are mad at us, angry for loving them enough to tell them something they really needed to hear. We are left wondering if we did the right thing. I’ve learned to be very careful with unsolicited advice for this reason. I may know what is wrong with someone, but that doesn’t mean they want to know.

 When someone tells me what is the matter with me, I don’t always like that person, that’s for sure.  If I don’t ask, I probably don’t want to know what is the matter with me. If I do ask, be kind.

 On the other hand, I can have a dream, call OS and ask her “what do you think this means,” and she will tell me and it makes perfect sense. She can tell me what is the matter with me that my subconscious is working out, mostly.

 And still on the other hand, sometimes, a person on the outside can access a situation and give a clearer picture than someone who is a good friend and right in the middle of the thing. Remember in Firefly when the assassin would say, “You know what your sin is?” right before he killed you?

Ouote 6

I skipped last weeks quote because I thought about it too much, I’ll do it later this week.

 This week’s quote comes from Rixende

 I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I’d have liked to have you for a sweetheart, or a wife, or my mother or my sister—anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes, all my tastes, hundreds of times when I don’t realize it. You really are a part of me.   
~ Willa Cather  “My Antonia”

 

Sometimes you meet a person and your heart says, “Ahh there you are.” It’s like you have known them forever. I think we have more than one “soul mate” and those people we instantly click with are like that. Other times it’s not so obvious and you grow into the friendship. However it happens, sometimes you know a person so well they become a part of you.  They get under your skin and into the very fiber of your soul.

 You find yourself thinking about them when you are grocery shopping and other everyday things, what they said, did, thought. Your life and your world are colored a pinker cast for having had them in it. You find your self wanting to be a better person because of their influence, to take chances, dream bigger dreams, to be content. I want to say this is love, but love is a tiny word to hold all the feelings for all the people we say we love. I just haven’t found a better one yet.

 I read My Antonia so long ago and so fast and with a junior high heart so I don’t remember what this is in reference to. I do know there are people in my life, that I love, but don’t know where to fit them in the sweetheart, or husband, or father, or brother category, or something else all together. These are people that are the friends I hope to keep in some aspect of my life forever so they can always be a part of me. They are the people that may be separated from me by miles, oceans or time but still are in me.  

Oh yes its Monday

I needed to write my own thoughts on the Fourth Quote, here they are:

 “If stories come to you, care for them. And learn to give them away where they are needed. Sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive.”
~Barry Lopez, Crow and Weasel

 To me this is about hope. When you are down and ready to give up, the right story can change everything. Stories are like magic and the storyteller the magician.  In almost every culture, there are stories. Before a written language, there are stories handed down orally and picture stories on walls. They remind us where we came from and teach us about heroes and heroines.

 Call them Old Wives Tales, New Wives Tales, Urban Myths, or anything else, they still give us hope, the greatest gift of all. In one story, the little girl says, “Grandmother is it true? Did it really happen?” The grandmother replies, “Yes it is true, whether it happened or not, I don’t know.” I love the way that the stories give us new ways of looking at things, hope for a brighter future, the knowledge that because someone did it, I can too. I love how listening to people’s stories brings them closer.

 This is the season of the greatest story every told for us Christians, the story of the biggest hope of all, of a baby who came to change the world forever. To give us hope, peace and joy.

The Fourth Quote

“If stories come to you, care for them. And learn to give them away where they are needed. Sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive.”
~Barry Lopez, Crow and Weasel

The Fourth Weekly Quote Challenge

Started By Sarah M, continued on because it’s interesting. Here are the rules. The Quote is above so you can skip the rules if so inclined. Finna has graciously agreed to post the next quote.

1) Each week, on Monday, a quote will be posted. If you feel so inclined to center a blog post around that quote- whether it be a direct inspiration, a memory it calls to mind, or anything having to do with that quote at all- then you have a week to do it.

2) If you choose to blog about the quote, go back to the post where the quote challenge was originally issued, and post a link to the blog entry so that others playing or watching can read your interpretation.

3) This week’s quote challenger tags the next week’s quote challenger. For example, I’m challenging today, and I’ll be tagging Finna. When she issues her challenge next week, she’ll tag somebody, preferably with their permission, giving them a week’s notice to come up with a quote, and so on. If you don’t want to play? Tell her ‘no’ when she asks. If you really want to challenge, then you have a week to bribe her. Just make sure that the person you’re tagging knows.

4.) If you want to be tagged, you have to have participated the week before

5) If you are going to post your link in the comments, it needs to be a publicly viewable entry. Play privately if you want, by all means, but don’t post the link if you’re not sharing it with everyone- that’s mean.

6)Participation is totally voluntary. Play this week; don’t play next week-it’s up to you. The only requirement is that if you are the challenger, you must blog on the quote you chose during your week.

And may all your stories be good ones.

Stories:

Finna

Sarah M

Kat

Rixende

Robbin

Quote 3

Here is Robbin’s quote challenge, click here for rules. feel free to participate, just post your comments below, or comment a link.

Being powerful is like being a lady; if you have to tell people you are,

you aren’t. ~ Margaret Thatcher

This is a universal truth that could go in many directions and already has in my head. It’s a classic, will be as true 100 years from now as it is today. It could be on a fortune cookie.

I was going to comment on the lady/gentleman part, because growing up in the South, manners get preached into you with your dinner ice tea and morning grits. It’s a part of our culture that we miss when we go other places; sometimes without even knowing why. But as the lady said, it should show without you having to open your mouth. That’s true of oh so many things, religion shouldn’t have to be shouted from the rooftops. It should be a part of your behavior in such a way that people see you are different from the norm. I saw on someone’s shield a quote that went something like this. “Chivalry isn’t given, it’s recognized.” Can’t remember the exact words, but it makes so much sense. Don’t say it do it -and it will be recognized. And even if its not recognized in the way you want, someone sees, it will come to good. Actions will always speak louder than words.

The reason someone has to tell you they are powerful, smart, funny, nice, religious, talented, fill in the blank, is because they aren’t hearing it from anyone else so they have to make sure it gets said. Sometimes they say those things for as an explanation for a certain behavior, i.e. “I don’t eat pork because of my religion.” It could also be that those are the qualities they value and that they want/hope to have. But actions have to follow those words.

As Thatcher so astutely says, the moment you make one of those, “I’m this” statements you have given up power, revealed what is important to you, revealed a weakness. In some environments that may be fine, in others you may wish you hadn’t revealed your Achilles heel.

Power, real power comes from within. From that well of strength of just knowing who you are and where you come from. It’s from knowing that no matter what storms rage on the surface, deep down is the assurance that everything will be ok. I’ve known several people in my life that were quiet, calm and self assured, they didn’t have to go around stating their purpose, their mission, who they were, it just oozed out of them. They didn’t let every comment or slight made by other people rock their world because they were secure in who they were. After a while you learn that no matter how good things are or how awful, this is just surface, like the weather, and it’s going to change.

The nicest people I know don’t go around saying how nice they are, they just are and we can see it.

The Second Quote

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet

I don’t like labels, on clothes or on anything else. I particularly don’t like labels that are put on people to put them in their “place.”

That said:

My mother taught me to be a lady, some of her wisdom took and some didn’t.

• Ladies don’t spit.
• Ladies don’t chew gum.
• Ladies don’t wear shorts so short that their behind shows. (that meant the entire back of the leg from the top to the knee)
• Ladies don’t wear red lipstick.
• Ladies don’t wear really high heels.

Those are the ones I remember off the top of my head.

• Ladies don’t use bad language.

Because of that last one and the last part of the quote, I’m not going to repeat the quote here. There are just some words not to be said in polite society. Call me a prude, I don’t care-it’s a label. Here’s the link to the quote.

I don’t know what context the quote was said in and after learning a bit about the book, I’m probably not going to. I don’t think he had a clue about women.

One of the most important aspects of communicating is making sure you are speaking the same language. What does dignity mean? What does the word I’m not saying here but apparently you’re supposed to do your best at mean? The leaving the dignity at the door, well no, I don’t think so. That makes it sound like becoming less than you are or less than equal, instead of embracing all that you are and finding joy in it. It smacks of objectifying instead of partnering.

I don’t understand why people label private conversations (look that one up) between people as bad, wrong, or call the behavior the word I won’t say which there is no actual scientifically defined definition for- (it can’t be calculated as in a specific number so it’s just someone’s opinion which isn’t worth much-its subjective) or any other thing. I’d like to think that’s just because of the time it was written, but I don’t think so.

Accepting

I had way too much time on my hands this weekend and a brain that wouldn’t stop. When you have spent most of your life with one goal, one focus, what do you do when that is achieved? Get more goals of course. It’s not that easy. I have everything I could attain by myself, mostly. So I’m kind of in limbo wondering where to go next. This was nostalgia weekend and I found myself remembering only the good in the people I loved. Bittersweet.

Went to the track, went to the gym and swam—hottubbed, and sauned, that time and the time at the movie was about the only time my brain wasn’t on overload. By Sunday night I was channeling Sarah and cleaning everything in sight. Not mad, not angry, not really anything, just contemplating my purpose on this tiny planet, playing loud music, singing, and scrubbing.

Accept everything about yourself — I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end — no apologies, no regrets.

–Clark Moustakas

Well, I read this and hated it because at first glance it looks like accepting less than my best. I am hard on myself and always have been, no matter what I do; it could have/should have been better. I should have worked harder, studied more, slept less, been better, stronger, nicer. And this is frequently substantiated by the people in my life. I don’t measure up for whatever reason. I used to just work myself to death being “superwoman” trying to make people happy by making everything perfect. It didn’t work. I used to pick men with unreasonable standards who were never gonna be happy no matter what.

I finally realized that the happiness issue was their problem not mine. Now, when I see that tendency, I run. Finally you get to the point where you realize you are never going to be perfect, no matter what you do. So that’s when you accept the imperfections. It isn’t compromise; it isn’t weakness, its loving people, including yourself, as they are. Sometimes that means making hard choices by letting go of the people who are not happy and blame you for it, and surrounding yourself with positive people who are happy.

That said, you have to know who you are and acknowledge that. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept something you don’t like and have the power to change, or like something you wouldn’t tolerate in another person as long as its fixable. I believe as long as we are alive we should continue to grow, to improve in every aspect. The no apologies, no regrets for me means not living in the past. What I did or didn’t do is over. I can’t beat myself up over the choices I made or their outcomes and I can stop thinking that I have to protect people from their behavior. I do my best to think about the consequences of my actions and only do things I’m not going to beat myself up for after.

What would I do differently? I don’t think anything. The choices I made have brought me to where I am. They brought the people in my life that are here, the memories and the dreams. While some of the past isn’t pleasant, and I wouldn’t choose it, it has made me who I am. And the people I’ve met along the way make it all worthwhile.